Merry Christmas, here's your pooper scooper!

The Christmas season is upon us, and I am accosted daily by an ever growing list of desires from my brood, Caroline in particular. No session of cartoons takes place without several cries of "I want this!" from the living room, to the point that I asked her to come get me if anything she DOESN'T want comes on TV. Most recently she begged me to come see a commercial for a new Barbie, who comes with an adorable fuzzy dog named Tanner. And get this--he actually poops.

The way it works is this, and I quote: "Barbie doll has a dog named Tanner who is just like a real dog! Tanner is soft and fuzzy and her mouth, ears, head and tail really move! You can open Tanner dog's mouth and feed her dog biscuits. Comes with a dog bone and chew toys that Tanner can hold in her mouth, too. When Tanner has to go to the bathroom, Barbie doll cleans up with her special magnetic scooper and trash can."

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this doll is that the "dog treats" are little brown (apparently magnetic) pellets that go in the dog's mouth and emerge, unchanged, from the other
end with a simple press of the tail. Just warms the cockles of your heart, doesn't it? Tanner, however, is nothing like our dog, whose press would probably read something like "Chloe is almost like a real dog! She is soft and furry, jumps on visitors, has a compulsive licking disorder, and her breath could strip wallpaper! Watch adoringly as she rolls over and wets herself in new situations, eats dirty diapers, and trolls the bathrooms for unflushed toilets! Let Chloe become a special part of your family today!"

What? Not a dog person? Then perhaps you'd like Teresa and her litterbox using cat, Mika. Once again, I quote: "Teresa doll has an adorable cat named Mika who is just like a real cat! Mika can drink some water from a bottle and then wets in her litter box. Teresa scoops up the litter clumps. Teresa doll and Mika come with a kitty litter box, bottle, cat litter in a variety of colors, litter scooper, cat food bowl and cat toys."

At least with this one the fun must end at some point, as the rainbow colored "cat litter" comes in a finite supply, and as far as I can tell, there is no place to buy refills. Sheesh. Perhaps after a few weeks of Mika marking on her clean laundry and expensive rugs, Teresa will just make her live outside. At least she doesn't claw the furniture.

Yes, there are dolls that wet, poop, sleep, talk, grow, teach your daughter to be a vapid bimbo (see BRATZ), but something about buying a toy animal that actually does its business escapes me. I'd pass those up and go for the Love n' Licks dog or the Cold Nose Kisses puppy, but we already have the real thing (see CHLOE, above) . When they introduce an automated Dog Whisperer robot, that might be worth a trip to the store.