Anyone who knows me well is aware that I have a serious affinity for Ebay. I like to think of it as a 24 hour a day, 365 day a year flea market. Who needs to count sheep when you can search for "antique pottery sheep lamp" at one in the morning? One of the unexpected byproducts of spending time on the site, however, is how educational--seriously--and entertaining it can be. Where else can you find aging floosies modeling vintage lingerie, vintage beer mugs with bobbling boobies, or page after page of listings for antique chamber pots? As with most discoveries, the most interesting ones usually occur on the search for something entirely unrelated. Today's example is a Chinese seller with an endearingly bizzare grasp on the English language. Offered for sale this week are:
Carve the penknife of the bone of woodgrain
The mysterious candlestick that silver and jade create
Rare of take amber of having the insect uniquely
The beauty is Mongolia good machete (and everyone needs a Mongolia good machete)
A rightness of silver wrap the bracelet of amber (there is never a wrongness of silver)
Your laughter to the idea of coconut doll
Special materials produced precious yellow necklace
The fairy that the strange material carves (This is a buddha; a little portly for a fairy if you ask me)
The jadeite of natural vogue is peaceful to button up
The beauty is good and the farmland white jade card (so is the farmland white? or what?)
The beautiful and good jasper carves flute (as opposed to the ugly and evil jasper?)
The silver wraps the tobacco pouch of rhinoceros Cape
The pot of dragon and coralline creation of printing
Can bring the copper frog of good luck and money (a surefire way to secure an invitation to any gathering)
Despicable dark big wing monster (on the other hand, don't show up with this)
The beautiful and jadeite view sound hangs a piece
The hand chain that the natural jade creates
Made of copper the clock of ancient rudder shape made
The beautiful and good silver wraps jade pipe
The silver wraps the pot that the jade drinks to use
3 layers of jades take the chain that red China knots
Take amber an official seal of having the scorpion rare
The pillow box used in matrimony of sexy pattern (oh how I'd like a real description of this one!)
The perfect snuff pot of ancient China
The silver wraps a natural horse to come to jade ring (no unnatural horses here)
The clock of the ancient birdcage shape of copper (because EVERYTHING in China is ancient)
The bucket of the flower of red enamel
Interestingly, if you take the time to look at each item, they each bear the same description, a generic proclamation of the luck, good fortune, and honor they symbolize, and a message imploring you, "If you love it, please do not missing the good chance to get it! Enjoying your bidding!" Or something like that. If you want to see for yourself, check out the seller grass019, as I seriously doubt anyone could come up with any of the search terms on purpose.
As for me, I'm trying to decide between "The fairy that the strange material carves" and"Can bring the copper frog of good luck and money." After all, they are "vivid and wonderful."
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Friday, August 11, 2006
No more bread and butter
I know it's summer. I know I should be grilling or making chilled chicken salads or cucumber soup or some other seasonally appropriate dish, but I just can't help myself. I love comfort food.
I could blame it on my Midwestern upbringing, and the fact that the first things I learned to cook from my mother were things like vegetable soup, chili, and meatloaf, but somehow when I want something really, really good to eat it always ends up being something hearty and bubbling in a big pot on the stove.
Yes, it was at least 80 degrees today, a typical muggy August day in the south, but as I scanned the freezer and contemplated what to feed my brood this evening I came up with an old fall/winter favorite: chicken and dumplings.
For years I would make this dish to lukewarm reviews, until my patient and long-suffering spouse informed me that he really didn't like the puffy bread dumplings that I made. Granted, for quite a while they turned out rubbery from overhandling the dough, but I finally mastered them, still to no avail. I finally broke down and bought the frozen, thin flat dumplings that his mother serves boiled in kraut (disgusted shiver here) and put them into my recipe. Result? He loves it.
The recipe on the box is a bit bland to me, so here's how I do it:
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped carrot
1 cup chopped onion
Cook these in a little oil or butter in a large stockpot until tender. Then add:
1 pound chicken breast meat, cut up small. Forget cooking a whole chicken or using dark meat. Buy some breasts or cutlets and dice them up, preferably while still slightly frozen.
Cook the chicken with the vegetables until the meat is done. Then add:
about 8 to 10 cups water
two teaspoons chicken base or 2-3 bouillon cubes (or you can substitute a couple cans chicken broth for some of the water)
pepper to taste (I use between 1/4 and 1/2 teaspoon)
Bring to a boil. Then add an entire package (the large size) of Anne's Dumplings, a few at a time, bring back to a boil and cook for another 15 minutes or so to cook the dumplings and thicken the broth. Let cool for a few minutes before serving.
Note: humming or singing "Bread and Butter" by the Newbeats while cooking seems to help the outcome of this recipe.
Man, I've made myself hungry. I think I'll warm up some leftovers for a midnight snack.
I could blame it on my Midwestern upbringing, and the fact that the first things I learned to cook from my mother were things like vegetable soup, chili, and meatloaf, but somehow when I want something really, really good to eat it always ends up being something hearty and bubbling in a big pot on the stove.
Yes, it was at least 80 degrees today, a typical muggy August day in the south, but as I scanned the freezer and contemplated what to feed my brood this evening I came up with an old fall/winter favorite: chicken and dumplings.
For years I would make this dish to lukewarm reviews, until my patient and long-suffering spouse informed me that he really didn't like the puffy bread dumplings that I made. Granted, for quite a while they turned out rubbery from overhandling the dough, but I finally mastered them, still to no avail. I finally broke down and bought the frozen, thin flat dumplings that his mother serves boiled in kraut (disgusted shiver here) and put them into my recipe. Result? He loves it.
The recipe on the box is a bit bland to me, so here's how I do it:
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped carrot
1 cup chopped onion
Cook these in a little oil or butter in a large stockpot until tender. Then add:
1 pound chicken breast meat, cut up small. Forget cooking a whole chicken or using dark meat. Buy some breasts or cutlets and dice them up, preferably while still slightly frozen.
Cook the chicken with the vegetables until the meat is done. Then add:
about 8 to 10 cups water
two teaspoons chicken base or 2-3 bouillon cubes (or you can substitute a couple cans chicken broth for some of the water)
pepper to taste (I use between 1/4 and 1/2 teaspoon)
Bring to a boil. Then add an entire package (the large size) of Anne's Dumplings, a few at a time, bring back to a boil and cook for another 15 minutes or so to cook the dumplings and thicken the broth. Let cool for a few minutes before serving.
Note: humming or singing "Bread and Butter" by the Newbeats while cooking seems to help the outcome of this recipe.
Man, I've made myself hungry. I think I'll warm up some leftovers for a midnight snack.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Book Tag
1. One book that changed your life?
Without a doubt, To Kill A Mockingbird, which I read in 10th grade. It was here I learned one of my favorite words, "elucidate," for which I had been searching forever. It also began my love affair with the mythical and perfect hero Atticus Finch, especially when imagined as the dark haired, square-jawed, bespectacled, tall and handsome, white suit-wearing Gregory Peck. He ruined me for all other men. Sigh. . .
2. One book you have read more than once?
C'mon, I was an English teacher, what book haven't I read more than once? Actually, though, there are several:
Fahrenheit 451 and lots of other Ray Bradbury. I always loved teaching that one to my gifted classes and getting their sweet little middle school souls stirred up about censorship. His craftsmanship is wonderful, and though he writes science fiction/fantasy, the man is a romantic at heart. When I had him sign my copy after an engagement at the Novello festival quite a few years ago, I was tongue-tied.
Letters from the Earth by Mark Twain. It's one of his lesser known works, which begins with a series of letters written by Satan, reporting on a visit to the "Human Race Experiment." I like this one better than most of his better-known works.
3. One book you would want on a desert island?
An anthology of great short stories, most definitely. Essays by Emerson,Thoreau, Whitman, and the like. The works of Robert Frost. Maybe some C.S. Lewis thrown in for good measure. And something to make me laugh--Ogden Nash or James Thurber, perhaps? Oh, wait, did that say ONE book?
4. One book that made you laugh?
I too laughed quite often through Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, especially when he scatters his mother's ashes--or at least attempts to. And anything by David Sedaris makes me pee my pants, which actually isn't that hard to accomplish after birthing three babies, but I do find him hilarious.
5. One book that made you cry?
I didn't cry, but I was very upset when the protagonist was killed off in the final pages of Cold Mountain. And the legendary tear jerking book in my family is a young adult novel, A Day No Pigs Would Die, by Robert Newton Peck. Still gets me.
6. One book you wish had been written?
The book that makes my family's storied and disfunctional past into a poignant and significant American narrative of triumph and survival, which is then adapted to the screen and makes enough money to keep me and my sister in flea-market junk and high-end shoe shopping cash forever
7. One book you wish had never been written?
The Heart of Darkness blows. Also anything by Herman Melville. And no, not even with Gregory Peck as Captain Ahab.
8. One book you are currently reading?
Change Me Into Zeus's Daughter by Barbara Robinette Moss. So far it reminds me very much of The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio--huge family, drunk father, long-suffering mother, no money. I'll see how the similarities hold up as the story unfolds.
9. One book you have been meaning to read?
The Ironic Christian's Companion by Patrick Henry. No, not THAT one.
Without a doubt, To Kill A Mockingbird, which I read in 10th grade. It was here I learned one of my favorite words, "elucidate," for which I had been searching forever. It also began my love affair with the mythical and perfect hero Atticus Finch, especially when imagined as the dark haired, square-jawed, bespectacled, tall and handsome, white suit-wearing Gregory Peck. He ruined me for all other men. Sigh. . .
2. One book you have read more than once?
C'mon, I was an English teacher, what book haven't I read more than once? Actually, though, there are several:
Fahrenheit 451 and lots of other Ray Bradbury. I always loved teaching that one to my gifted classes and getting their sweet little middle school souls stirred up about censorship. His craftsmanship is wonderful, and though he writes science fiction/fantasy, the man is a romantic at heart. When I had him sign my copy after an engagement at the Novello festival quite a few years ago, I was tongue-tied.
Letters from the Earth by Mark Twain. It's one of his lesser known works, which begins with a series of letters written by Satan, reporting on a visit to the "Human Race Experiment." I like this one better than most of his better-known works.
3. One book you would want on a desert island?
An anthology of great short stories, most definitely. Essays by Emerson,Thoreau, Whitman, and the like. The works of Robert Frost. Maybe some C.S. Lewis thrown in for good measure. And something to make me laugh--Ogden Nash or James Thurber, perhaps? Oh, wait, did that say ONE book?
4. One book that made you laugh?
I too laughed quite often through Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, especially when he scatters his mother's ashes--or at least attempts to. And anything by David Sedaris makes me pee my pants, which actually isn't that hard to accomplish after birthing three babies, but I do find him hilarious.
5. One book that made you cry?
I didn't cry, but I was very upset when the protagonist was killed off in the final pages of Cold Mountain. And the legendary tear jerking book in my family is a young adult novel, A Day No Pigs Would Die, by Robert Newton Peck. Still gets me.
6. One book you wish had been written?
The book that makes my family's storied and disfunctional past into a poignant and significant American narrative of triumph and survival, which is then adapted to the screen and makes enough money to keep me and my sister in flea-market junk and high-end shoe shopping cash forever
7. One book you wish had never been written?
The Heart of Darkness blows. Also anything by Herman Melville. And no, not even with Gregory Peck as Captain Ahab.
8. One book you are currently reading?
Change Me Into Zeus's Daughter by Barbara Robinette Moss. So far it reminds me very much of The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio--huge family, drunk father, long-suffering mother, no money. I'll see how the similarities hold up as the story unfolds.
9. One book you have been meaning to read?
The Ironic Christian's Companion by Patrick Henry. No, not THAT one.
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